Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Blast from the Past

It was asked that I post this blast from the past article I wrote last year called "The Plight of the Funboy" enjoy.

The Plight of the Funboy

For some time now, people have been asking me what exactly is and constitutes a "Funboy"? I will go into detail about this once thought of "Mythological" creature, which unlike the unicorn and centaur is in fact a real, living, breathing thing. The Funboy is predominantly a male creature that thrives in a co-ed college environment. Aside from their dormitories, they thrive in highly populated environments such as dining halls, libraries, and classrooms. There are two traits that set them apart from most normal people a) it is their primal instinct to be the life of any situation even if there is no need for it whatsoever and b) They are mammoth creatures, ranging from 6'0-6'3 and 260-290lbs with massive amounts of back and body hair (I wrote back hair since some people tend to forget that). Examples of situations where Funboys attempt to gain control are study groups, dining tables, computer labs, bathrooms when someone else besides them is occupying it, and classrooms.
Though the Funboy does attempt to gain control of any situation that they are in, they are not always successful. If there is already a "class clown" per se who is taking in all of the laughs, the Funboy will usually, though not frequently, stay quiet for a few minutes and see how he can capitalize on the clowns work due to the Funboy seeing this as merely someone doing an opening act for him. After feeling bad about not making someone laugh, the Funboy will then proceed to tell jokes, comments, or stories that are either a) the same thing that the "clown" just said but with different words. b) In know way funny nor entertaining. Or c) completely irrelevant to the situation. If the clown is smart at this point in time, he will let the "Funboy" continue to talk so that his previous remarks are that much funnier, or pick up a blunt object near him and crack the "Funboy" in the teeth.
"What type of things does a typical Funboy say?" you might be asking. The first thing to know before I divulge any further is that no matter what a Funboy says, it is complete bullshit. He probably played sports in high school and may have contributed to his team. However, he was never all-state in anything, never won any MVP awards, nor dominated his sport in any aspect except weight and body hair. He also might tell you that he had a few beers last night, but a few are 3-6, not a whole case that he most likely will proudly announce. The Funboy thrives on people believing his exaggerations. Especially comments that are immediately said about his stories and claims. The main group of people that give more fuel to the Funboy are normally nerdy girls and boys who like to think of themselves as "cool" and part of the "in" crowd[1]. When the Funboy tells his stories about supposed excess drinking from the night before, the nerd who craves attention will usually say something such as "Oh (Funboy's name) you are so crazy." "Oh (Funboy's name) you need to calm down." Or "You are out of control (Funboy's name)." Now why do these nerds encourage the Funboy? It is my belief that they believe that the Funboy is their ticket to fame and stardom to a good social life at school for the next few years. My advice to you is that if you want to be cool, do not encourage the Funboy since you will merely be cast as one of his allies in the eyes an anti-Funboy eintzesgruppen and be targeted as a loser/nerd. So take my advice, do not encourage the Funboy in any way, you will be rewarded in the long run.
Other than the Funboy's notorious reputation for telling drinking stories, he is also an adept spinner of bullshit in the categories of lurid sex tales and drug consumption.
A prime example of this is after knowing the original Funboy (Funboy I) for no more than three days my freshman year, he proceeded to tell the entire football team a story about while working late one night at his construction job in Rochester, NY, he started flirting with a very attractive blonde MILF secretary whose advances led to the two of them ultimately banging on her desk. This story was such a rip-off of a Penthouse letter that one of the seniors called his bluff and a bunch of other demeaning adjectives that led the Funboy to quickly retract his statements that ultimately led to him being completely embarrassed.
However, this particular Funboy (Funboy I) only learned that he could not tell complete bullshit to large groups of people. This did not stop him from telling tales at the dining hall about how during high school he once did Acid every day for sixth months. It is medical fact that this is not humanly possible. It came as a delight to those who knew Funboy I when he failed out of school his first semester freshman year. However, the next semester, in the same dorm no less, the current Funboy came to campus, Funboy II.
Funboy II, also hailing from the Northern New York region and with no previous knowledge of the other Funboy, immediately started to have the same characteristics. In his first week at school, he bragged to his CA that he was "going to smoke so much pot that you would not be able to see the other side of the hall due to the smoke." Though Funboy I bragged about his football talents, Funboy IIs boastings made Funboy I look like he was being humble. Funboy II spun yarns about how he was personally recruited by Joe Paterno at Penn State and that he used to be able to bench over 400 lbs and squat over 500 but he couldn't do it anymore because of a terrible accident. Being assigned to be his lifting partner that spring semester was one of the three worst things that have ever happened to me in my life. Every day I contemplated if committing a felony was really as good an option as it sounded in my head but after looking at him I noticed that at least two people, or things, had already beaten me to the punch (what a pun, I know). I eventually decided that I wanted my asshole to remain a virgin. Funboy II ultimately quit football due to his physical ailments after one morning running session (Though my opinion is that he finally got a fucking clue and realized he could not hack it). However, he still remains at large in school (boy am I hot tonight with the puns).
The Library might just top the dining hall as the ultimate Funboy location. It is here where most students come to do their schoolwork and get away from the distractions of a dorm. But not the Funboy, the Funboy sees the library as the place to prove where he is on top of his game as the master of being cool. If you ever want to watch a Funboy at his craft of doing nothing productive in the library, the best spot is the computer lab. The Funboy will walk in with a few books in his hand (look at the books, see if they relate to each other, they probably won't) and sit down at a computer and while logging on to his computer, say something to himself about how the work (that he really isn't doing) he has to do is so tough. But he says it to himself in a such a tone that he hopes that the person next to him, preferably a girl, will hear him and say something back, which in this case you pray does not happen since the Funboy will then take this as an invitation to jabber for the next hour about pointless shit while at the same time bothering anyone trying to type a paper. Now if the person next to the Funboy does not respond, he will now do two things on the computer. First he will log onto Instant Messenger and then Microsoft Word. "But you said that Funboys don't do work? I'm confused." Do not be alarmed; the Funboy is merely putting Word up on his computer to give the impression that he is doing work. Remember, he also has a pile of books that are useless to him at his desk. After putting up Word, the Funboy will then spend the next 5-20 minutes looking at the internet in the following order: 1) check at least two email accounts, (his school account and then another account such as Yahoo, AOL, or Hotmail) 2) (Funboys love sports remember) and finally 3) Some sort of shopping site such as Ebay, Amazon, some hunting and fishing supply store, and J. Crew. I say J. Crew because the Funboy believes that he can lure some girl into a conversation with him if she notices that he is looking at clothes on the J. Crew Website. Now girls, do not be lured into the favorite Funboy conversation starter of "You think my girlfriend/sister/girl locked in my closet will like this sweater?" Ignore him. Would you really talk to a guy that you did not know if he was looking at woman's clothes on the Internet? After his Internet surfing is over, he will take one of the books on his desk out with him to make it appear that he is doing work and venture out of the computer lab and into the main part of the library for the next 30-60min. It is here that he will make an attempt to talk to every single person that he has ever had a conversation with in his life whether or not they are working. The following is a typical example:

Funboy: "Hey man, what are you working on?"
Student: "A really big presentation for my (Insert class here) tomorrow."
Funboy: "Oh that sucks man. I hated (Insert class here) in high school; you know what I used to do in (Insert class here) in high school? I used to make these notes about how much the teacher sucked ass and pass them around to all my "friends" and they would read them and laugh and the teacher would get all pissed off and then this other kid would get blamed and then he would get thrown out and I would be laughing because I was the one that should have gotten in trouble but, ha, I didn't."
Student: "That's great, listen, I have to get back to work."
Funboy: "Have fun with your project dude."
Now because of the Funboy's useless story, valuable time has been wasted and the student has become distracted from his work. This dialogue is then repeated again and again until the Funboy decides that he is tired, goes back to the computer lab and then signs off and goes home.
After reading this, you might be wondering, "Why do you have a problem with Funboys?" "What did they ever do to you?" My response to that is no guy would ask me those questions so I?m going to assume that you are a girl, therefore you are a stupid cunt. A more in-depth answer is that Funboys are a serious problem. At some point in their life they were contemplating suicide until they saw a Chris Farley movie or Varsity Blues and associated with the character of Billy Bob. They then realized that there calling in life was to be the funny fat guy in life. However, they only had one of those two characteristics, and it wasn't humor. But since no one has ever told them that they are not funny, they continue to think that they are the life of the party. So my point in writing this essay is to warn you, the unsuspecting cool kid about Funboys and how to spot them. So let me refresh your memory about the characteristics of the Funboy:
Height: It really can be any height but they usually range between 6'0-6'3.
Weight: At least 40lbs overweight, normally between 250-290lbs
Hair: This varies. Though not as strong a factor as weight, most Funboys are balding.
Body Type: A cross between the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, the Pillsbury doughboy, and an amoeba.
Distinguishing Features: Aside from being fat, they usually have constant five o?clock shadow, and tattoos in places where they can show them off to everyone (calf and/or arm), and occasionally earrings.
How to know it's a Funboy story: Use simple logic and reasoning to assume whether or not his stories are real. If he is the only person at your college/university from his high school and the stories seem to be bullshit, they probably are. If there is another person at your college/university who went to his high school, confront this person and ask if the supposed Funboy is telling the truth. If he is not telling the truth, you have a clear cut Funboy. If he is telling the truth, then he is not a Funboy, just someone who tells absolutely amazing stories.

I hope that I have done something to make your lives more enjoyable by keeping you aware of the dangers that Funboys posses. And for the record, they're have been three Funboys, Funboy I, Funboy Prime[2], and Funboy II. Questions and comments regarding Funboys can be sent to

[1] One way to know that these people are "nerds" aside from knowing how frequent their sexual encounters are, their grades, and their clothing, is to take a look at their buddy profiles on IM. Constant use of smiley faces, more than one quote by a band such as Dashboard Confessionals, Good Charlotte, Linkin Park, etc, repetitive use of catch phrases from pop culture, and over a two line sappy generic comment about drinking or supposed friends from home is a huge red flag. If you are currently reading this and you are a girl, there is a 65% chance that you are a nerd if you fall into those categories. If you are a guy and are reading this, you probably hope that I die because I called you out. If you feel that way, I hope that you get AIDS from your fiancée named Steve.
[2] Funboy Prime was at school before Funboy One but did not become a Funboy until after Funboy One received his title. Somehow without knowing, he decided to become a Funboy.


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